Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Frog

Disclaimer: I am about to tell you a story that will make me sound crazy and you will likely not understand why I acted this way. Well, i am crazy and sometimes also irrational. You are welcome to pay for my therapy.

Last  night I was pretending to do homework while watching The Voice when I walked into the kitchen to get a glass of lemonade, well right next to the door was a fat dark blob. At first I wasn't sure if it was an animal at all. I mean don't get me wrong, of course the first thing that popped into my mind is that this is some sort of poisonous alien animal come to steal all my bobby pins and oh did i mention suck out my brains. Finally, in between many screams and the kind of crying that makes people wonder if you are human, I decided this was a frog. So obviously I did what any single, empowered, independent woman would do....I called my mommy.

Sure she had some great advice on how to solve my problem, but all of it required that I actually get close to the frog, so obviously I couldn't use any of it. I did think about what she said, you know with the glad containers and the brooms and whathaveyou, but i just couldn't do it.

I'm kind of a control freak. Ok I am a crazy, bat shit insane control freak. I am one of those people who will make a big deal about people leaving my door open. Just don't do it. So it came as a surprise to me that a frog was even able to get into my house (if you know how this could happen please for the love of Anna wintour.....wait no that doesn't work....Just please don't tell me)

So next I called my brother, who didn't answer. He was probably out feeding the homeless or ushering pregnant women into the hospital or maybe he was just sleeping. Whatever he was doing, it was not coming over to help me overcome my control issues.  So my friend Andrew told me to scoop it up with a plate. I said thanks, I'll go stare at it some more.

Finally my dad came to my rescue. My wonderful, caring, intelligent father. (really hope you're reading this...otherwise I'm wasting all these compliments) but here is the real problem, we soon learned that this was in fact, NOT a frog! Are you as floored as I was? It appeared to be some sort of mammal that was also slimy and made a clicking noise.

Now you may be wondering to yourself whether this was the best decision on my part. I'm now going to ask myself a couple questions in hopes of making me sound  insightful and well-adjusted.  Is it practical to have someone else come over and solve my rodent problems? Of course not. Will I do this again? Probably. But next time I hope to get a little closer to said mystery animal and pray to God it isn't the Bobby stealing, brain sucking alien of my nightmares

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